Moments Of Insight ...

Monday, August 3, 2009

Peeking over the edge

Imagine standing at the entrance to a door. Imagine that it's your first time at this particular door. Imagine not knowing what to expect should you decide to pass through the door. In life we sometimes find ourselves at the edge of our existence, a boundary that separates the familiar from the unfamiliar, a place where a decision is needed, i.e. do I go through the door or not.

When I find myself in this place then I also find myself justifying why I should not go through the door, why I should turn around and walk the other way. The thing about being human is that we do not know what our future holds for us. We don't know whether we will get up for work tomorrow morning, we don't know what the traffic will be like on our way to work tomorrow morning and we don't know what people are thinking. There is a lot we don't know.

Not Knowing

Sometimes not knowing where I stand with respect to a particular situation can drive me insane. This is especially the case if I have done all that I can already. There is a part of me that replays aspects of the situation where I mentally and emotionally "improve" the quality of my input as part of the replay. I do this to make myself feel better about the experience. This is one of my many coping mechanisms. I am learning to be OK with not knowing. One of the challenges with not knowing is that of procrastinating important decisions due to a belief that knowing could change the decision that is made. Life becomes a balancing act where I juggle many balls hoping that 'knowing' will simplify my experience. A friend said to me over the past weekend that I should go ahead and make a decision based on the information that is currently available and then deal with the new information as and when it arrives as a result of knowing. Interesting advice. I do, however, choose and continue to choose my own path. While I understand that my friend means well I also understand that my path (and his as well as yours) is unique. This means that what makes sense to you may not make senses to me and vice versa. Are you aware of that which you do not know? How will knowing change your situation?

Systems Thinking?

Systems thinking is defined as "a way of thinking about, and a language for describing and understanding, the forces and interrelationships that shape the behaviours of systems. This discipline helps us to see how to change systems more effectively, and to act more in tune with the larger processes of the natural and economic world." (p6, The Fifth Discpline Field Book, 1994). Within this book (mentioned above), Systems Thinking is listed as one of five disciplines that is the core of learning organizations (Personal Mastery, Mental Models, Shared Vision, Team Learning and Systems Thinking).

Acceptance as a doorway?

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, a Swiss doctor, mentioned "Acceptance" as the final stage in the grief cycle (series of emotional states). Here grief is used in the context of "change" associated with experiencing negatives events (e.g. losing your job or not being able to find a job). It's amazing how much easier life becomes when you accept that the life you find yourself in is yours. You are responsible for it. No one else is. We are not tapping into our immense potential when we spend our days blaming others for our circumstances and for our general mood. By doing so we procrastinate, i.e. we stop ourselves from living the life we were given. Also, we prevent ourselves from using our current lives as platforms into a more desirable future.

Unconcious habits

The Oxford English dictionary defines the word habit as follows:

"a settled way of thinking"
"something done frequently and almost without thinking"
"something that is hard to give up"

I have two sons, one is two years and a bit and the other is about three weeks old (at the time of writing this article). Amongst other things, I've witnessed my oldest son learn to burp, smile, sit up, crawl, walk, run, speak, throw a ball, eat with a spoon and push a cart. My eldest is currently learning to brush his teeth on his own while my youngest son is currently learning to burp on his own. I am amazed at just how much of what we do (including our thinking) each day is as a direct result of learnt behaviour, i.e. they are our habits. Nearly everything we do today was learnt at some point in our past through repetition. At some point our repeated behaviour becomes unconscious to us. For those who drive cars, do you remember changing gears and using the clutch the last time you drove a car? How often do you think about how you walk and how often do you have to concentrate on putting one foot before the other while walking?

The challenge with habits is that some habits serve us while others impede us. As children, we tend to inherit many of our habits from our primary care givers, siblings and mates. Other habits (especially "thinking" habits) are formed in response to the way we are treated as children and as adults.

A coach could help you become aware of the unconscious habits that impede you. However, becoming aware is only the beginning. The next step is to unlearn the problematic habits and replace them with those that are more in alignment with the lives that we are striving to live.

Is personal change possible?

A 40-year-old client recently asked me a fundamental question about personal change, i.e. "Is personal change truly possible given that I've internalised so much stuff?" The answer to this question is directly dependant on your beliefs about change. For example, if you believe that personal change (for the better) is possible, then it is. If you believe that it is not then it's not.

Let me use alcoholism as an example... If you do not believe that you have a drinking problem then it will be near impossible to get well. If, however, you acknowledge that you have a problem then you might begin to entertain the possibility of a healthier reality. This same principle applies to other 'unhealthy' areas in your life.

Let me use another example... Imagine you walk into a car showroom and you have a look at a new, top of the range, car. You could tell yourself that you can't afford it because you do not have the money and you could be thinking that you'll never be able to afford it, and that's it, you go home. However, imagine if you asked yourself "I wonder how I could afford this?" Notice the difference in approach?

Imagine how such a change in approach towards your life's challenges could change your reality?

Pride and its consequences

Pride is a strange multi-dimensional 'thing'. My experience of pride is that it can and has stopped me from harnessing resources available to me, resources that could significantly improve my reality. What follows is one example where too much pride can be detrimental ...

As we pass through life we meet many people along the way. Each person that I interact with is left with an impression of me and vice versa. I will never really know how the person has experienced me. Some may have met me while I was wearing my party hat while others met me while I was wearing my IT hat. Some may have known me while I was jetting off to various parts of the globe, i.e. my jetsetter hat.

Today I decide I would like to make a career transition. So I start browsing the job ads. I meet with a few employment agencies and also speak with some friends and existing colleagues about my career aspirations, i.e. I network. However, there is a dormant part of my network that I do not access because my pride stops me. These are people from my past. People who may have known me while I was wearing a different career hat. People that could possibly assist me with realizing my career goals. But pride stops me. Pride tells me that I would embarras myself if I contacted Joe or Susan or John. Pride says to me that I will be humiliated. Pride disconnects me from parts of my network. Pride controls me. Pride tells me that my fragile reputation will be tarnished if I pick up the phone.

It's at times like this that it can be very useful to pocket my pride so that I can harness/harvest my latent resources. It may mean embarrasing myself. It may not. I won't know unless I give it a shot.

Can self-saboutage be a gift?

Ever caught yourself saboutaging yourself? I recently became aware of my self-saboutage. Sometimes I walk a path for some distance only to be saboutaged. By who? Often, by me. It's really difficult to break this habit. Why the saboutage? What's the pay-off? For me, my saboutage allows me to sustain a particular reality, my comfort-zone, my status quo. My comfort zone may not be an ideal place but it is a place that I know, a "safe" place. The possibility of breaking this pattern is scary because it means that I would be stepping into the unknown and there is a high probability that my vision will take quite a while to adjust. It's like first few seconds after switching off all the lights (at night). From a more optimistic perspective, there is a possibility that the unknown could be a healthier space beaming with a wholesome self-loving energy, an energy that emanates an unconditional acceptance of the whole person, warts and all. An energy that says: "I love you" (as a parent imagine you saying this to your child and recall the feelings that come with it). Could an increase in my awareness of my self-saboutage therefore be a gateway to some place better? Could this be the gift?

Defining Moments

There were many moments in life that could be considered defining moments. Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if I made alternative decisions at these defining moments. Then I remember how blessed I am. For example, I have a beautiful wife (inside and outside) and two beautiful sons. We live in a beautiful suburb in a beautiful city in a beautiful country on the tip of Africa. My life, as it is, is filled with an abundance that is very challenging for me to articulate in words. My latest take on the idea of defining moments is that every moment is a defining moment. Every experience, every decision, every thought, every action, every realization, all defining moments, all fuel along my path through life.

Finding the magic

Coaching involves developing your self-belief. It means focusing the lens within. It means understanding that change starts with you believing that things will get better for you. It means having faith. It means believing it before you can see it. It means not giving up. It means considering and making choices. It means developing your potential even when nobody else can see what you see or feel what you feel. It means commitment. It often means having the courage to be bold, to step up. Courage does not mean that you proceed without fear. Instead, courage means proceeding amidst your fear. It means action. It means doing something different. It means experimentation. Sometimes it means blazing your trail by taking the road less travelled.